Monday, January 22, 2007

Cheating on your girl/boyfriend 101

Inspiration for this post: The one and only Mistress.

I am in no way saying it is okay for a woman/man to cheat on their partner. What I am saying is that there is wrong and dead wrong.

For example:
1. You are on a diet and you decide that you want to cheat. Wrong is having a small hamburger from MacDonald. Dead wrong is having a small hamburger from McDonald, a large order of fries, two apple pies and large cup of diet soda to wash it down.

Respectfully cheating(oxymoron) on your partner

1. Never bring the person to your home to sleep with them. This is so disrespectful to your spouse. This can also lead to a violent confrontation if your spouse walks in and catches you in the act.

2. Never introduce the person you are cheating with to your children. This is so disrespectful to your spouse and it also increases the likelihood that you will be caught.

3. Always use a protection with the other person. You must, there are no if ands or buts about it, unless you want to take the risk of unplanned pregnancy(hello Maury show) or bringing a disease home to your partner.

4. Men do not sleep with prostitutes or women who have been with everyone guy in the city. By sleeping with these type of women you increase the chances that you will pick up a STD. Women stay away from the thugs, men who have been in jail for long periods of time(DL), sexual freaks and guys who have sleep around with to many women. As you should know woman are more susceptible to various STDS therefore it is important that we try to choose out partners carefully.

5. Never ever ever ever perform or%l sex on someone who is not your partner. I can not stress this enough. Keep your mouth off of anything below the waist.

6. Never call your partner by the other persons name in the heat of passion.

7. Hide the evidence(no used condoms in your pocket, receipts, etc ).

8. Never spend your spouse's money on another person. I have read stories about men who set their mistress in apartments and gave them large allowances. Never do this with your spouses money or take away money from your children to spend on a lover.

9. Always shower before you see your partner. Never let your partner kiss/touch you if you have not washed the sent of your lover away.

10. Never ever ever ever sleep with your partner's relative, best friend, co-worker or neighbor. To sleep with someone who is close to your partner could deeply wound him or her, and cause your partner to have deep trust issues for a very long time.

* With all of these rules, I think it is better if you just broke it off with your partner to sample a new dish.


Anonymous said...

i hate cheaters!! eww haha buht hose were some pretty good tips hahaha ^_^

AlwaysFunkyFresh said...

This list is funny as hell. All true though. I'm sure I could add a few....

Tired of being broke said...

Great tips for those who need them lol. I am for the break up thing. Call me a ho if you want, but I will break up with you next week, and get with someone else real quick before I cheat on you.

Anonymous said...


I was reading it and I'm like....why do people even bother,...just break up!

Have a wonderful week ahead!

Anonymous said...

cheating... honey what are you up to now?

The Mistress said...

This was too funny! Good rules but they are broken by stupid asses every DAY!

beautyinbaltimore said...

@Afro Jamiaco- I hope you never use the tips.
@ Always funky fresh- Tell me what would you add.
@tired of being broke- I don't think you are a ho, why should you wait. Whats done is done.
@Lovelymonami- Nothing at all.
@Mistress- Exactly, thats why idiots get caught.

Anonymous said...

you have raised some good points here. "respectfully cheating" is truly an oxymoron, but practicing discretionary behavior is a very important requirement if you are going to cheat.

Anonymous said...

holy shit, you must have thought thru this carefully. hmm I would love to ask if they are based on experience but I guess I shouldn't ask such a question. Thanks. I would file them somewhere and circulate amongst some of my hit men. I need to read more of your blog now, lots to learn.

Young Miss Williams said...

Why not give them head? Anything to do with STD's or...?

Thotstimi said...

While i dig not cheating, 'tis an interesting piece you have here.
Even if one must cheat, that one should accord the partner the respect (& dignity), they merit it.
But, then, them who do..
why cheat?

Anonymous said...

Amen. Let a sista know if you even feel like you wanna dip so I can bounce, but it never works like that. Most guys are not real enough to be that honest.

Anonymous said...

lmao... I understand where you're coming from... it's like a dont cheat.. but if you really have to.. fantastic job babe

Anonymous said...

LOL! This is classic. I completely see where you're coming from. At least have some basic human respect...if you're going to be wrong, don't be dead wrong. Nicely done!

yankeenaijachick said...

lol.............l can imagine. l haven't cheated on my partner before but girl, that's some real points right

Anonymous said...

LovelyMonAmi: (I took down my blogs ad upgraded for 2007)Welcome... Venus-Rises

Young blood, I'm not convinced. You need more people.

acolyte said...

Interesting enough I was going to post a how to creep guide on my blog. But I have been a bit lazy and busy. I will do that some time later on but at the end of the day a break up is the better way to go.
Nice post!

Anonymous said...

Cheaters are cowards plus it takes too much time to cheat you might as well break it off and do what you do LOL