Wednesday, December 27, 2006

A sick family member and my issues.

I've noticed that I have not opened up on this blog in the way that I thought I would have by now. I see that for some reason I am the type of person who refuses to loosen up even on an anonymous forum like this blog. Why, I don't know, maybe it is because I have a very difficult time opening up to even my closest friends. I mean I can give my opinion on issues of the day but truly opening up is something that I struggle with. Even sex, a topic that many bloggers shy away from, I can discuss/write about as if I am talking with my best friend. Maybe I am able to write about sex in the way that I do because I have such a strange, confused, and twisted relationship with the act itself.

Writing about my feelings on something that touches me far deeper, like a sick family member is very difficult for me. For the last few months my Grandmother has become (slightly) mentally unstable. It has only been within the last month that I became aware that my Grandmother has been suffering from delusions of being harmed by neighbors(she is not). For example, she turns of the gas in the house because she says that people are trying to gas her. A few days ago my mother told me that she refused to go sleep in her bedroom and instead sleep in a living room chair with a steak knife, a broom, a cane and a picture of Jesus by her side because she thought people were coming into the house to harm her. My Mother is now hesitant to allow my Grandmother to travel out of the house by herself because a day out with my uncle she said that people were following her and that someone at the restaurant tried to poison her orange juice.
Her hallucinations are the result of a small tumor in her brain. Her doctor has assured us that her hallucinations are not abnormal for someone with a brain tumor, and that they will only get worse with time. Because of her age doctors are hesitant to operate, the good news is that her tumor is benign. Still, I think if the tumor was removed maybe the Grandma that I have always known will return. I feel so lost seeing someone who I have always thought of as a pillar of strength mentally shift into a different person at times. I think that my Grandmother is now at the point where she is beginning to switch rolls with my Mother. This is all for now. Honestly, I feel uncomfortable digging this deep.


Anonymous said...

Hello girl,

Sorry about your grandma!
Try not to worry too much though..cos it doesn't solve a thing.
Take care.

Parazone said...

Hey dont worry, sometimes talking about things like this can be difficult even for the strongest person. It's hard seeing someone you love wither away. Some one I trully love is going through something similar. She is still strong and she should remain a your pillar of strength. Just think she had a steak Knife a broom and a picture of the christ. ( Getting ready to tear some clown up)Girl she seemed quite sane to me. I have a hammer, ant spray, a switch blade and my bible just incase anyone breaks in..And I have Brinks as well!!! So go figure..

Cheer up dear..

TDJ said...

I am sorry that you are facing this with your grandmother. My grandfather passed away about a year ago after a long bout with dementia, so I understand your feelings. Perhaps writing about it will eventually help you to deal with it.

The Stiltwalker said...

I know all too well dealing with someone with mental incompetencies. As well as I know how it is to not feel comfortable being open, anonymously or otherwise. We are very much alike. It's uncanny.

afro jamaicano said...

have they tried meds for her? my dad had hallutionations that my brother and i were playing w/ guns// and he talked to peeps that weren't there etc. so they put him on meds. he was always in a "sudated" state, buh atleast he wasn't having those hallicantions

it's just a side-effect of getting old, it happens to alot of people don't worry. if u have any questions email me, and ill share w/ u some of wuh happened when my dad went thru this

Anonymous said...

You know what? I'm the same way. Sometimes I don't get too too personal in my blog for whatever reason. But when I think about it (especially after reading your blog), writing (typing) this stuff out is healthy for me. It's a lot easier to deal with issues when you get them out. Your grandmother will be fine. She's still a pillar of strength. She's not going to let anything harm her. She's not going down without a fight and neither should you.

alissa said...

hey mama... first of all, sorry to read about your grandma. i will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. secondly, i know that it's hard to write (and even say) these types of things. writing is a healthy release. and maybe you should try to open up to your friends... a few days ago i found myself in a restuarant with my friend, crying because of the stuff i told her that i had never mentioned to anyone else. embarrassing? yes. but a great weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

t.r.b said...

first things first, i've been reading your blog and i really love it! just wanted to say i feel where your coming from. today is my 22nd birthday and i found myself thinking about my great grandmother and everything that she was and still remains for me. she passed last year at 92, and i came home to take care of her and i remember how difficult it was to see here become sick and weak. i think for you it will be easier to deal with the changes she goes through if you resolve yourself to becoming stronger from what you see. trust that no matter what she'll remain what she always was in your heart and mind, and you'll be able to hold your head when it seems like it hurts too bad. no matter what everything gets better. trust. happy new year; stay cool in b-more.

Anonymous said...

i will pray for her. it must be hard, because she is still alive but its like you have lost the woman you knew.
thanks for your comment earlier.

Anonymous said...

Kudos to you for opening up. Prends courage.

afro jamaicano said...

how is ur granny doing? also is she from africa or u.s. also i started a new blog, make sure u peep it and comment it (ive already done 5 posts on it and planned to do one or two a day here's the address


The Mistress said...

Wow, that would be scary for know we ALL hope things get better with her.

And you should NOT feel like you're obligated to reveal EVERYTHING on your blog. I have things that I would never in a million years talk about on mine because they make me uncomforatble, sad, angry...whatever. Some stuff has to be kept for YOU and only you...don't feel ashamed of that either.

Anonymous said...

I understand your struggle with publicly displaying certain thoughts. I have yet to tackle the realty of losing my father and can barely mention anything about him.

You share things on your time, when you’re ready. That’s how I look at it…

Tired of being broke said...

I second the comments on meds. They can start her off on a lower dosage and see what happens. From my experience of working in a community of older people with mental issues, it does seems to help them.

You and your family are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Menal illness has long been an issue swept beneath the rugs in African and Black families. WE would rather ignore it and its victims that deal with it and try to treat it. My mother has a mental illness--a chemical imbalance and manic depression. One time when I was younger she woke us all up and forced us out our apartment because she said badpeople were coming to get us. She told this to the neighbours. Nothing happened.Nobody came. I could go on with the bizarre stories of growing uop with a "youched" mother. But in the end, I found happiness in accepting her illness and dealing with it.

beautyinbaltimore said...

@Nilla- Thank you very much.
@Parazone- I had to chuckle to myself when my Mother told me that my grandmother had a steaknife, picture of Jesus and a broom. Thank you for stoping by, and for the advice.
@ tdj- Thank you, after writing it I felt nervous, but later on that day, I felt better.
@stiltwalker- I noticed that we think alike also.
@ afro jamico- Yes she is currently taking meds but she still talks about the people coming to get her.

@ the mistress- Thank you, I think that was a far as I am willing to go for now. I may talk about Grandmother more as time goes on.

@ woman on the move- I agree, thank you.

@tired of being broke- She is currently on meds, although she is still talking about the neighbors.

@always funky fresh- It fells preety good to have it off my chest now. I guess it must of been bothering me more than I thought.

@ Alissa- I remember when you mentioned that on your blog, and how you don't like opening up to other people. I said wow, Alissa is exactly like me because I don't like sharing my feeling/thoughts either.

@trb- Thank you very much. This is very touching because you have been throught the same thing.

@confused naija girl- Thank you, it is really hard. Whenever I think about it I want to cry.

@nkem- Thank you very much.

@jaja- You are telling a big truth with that one. Many blacks(African and African-American) like to admit to having a mental illness. We don't view going to a shrink in the same way that most of mainstream America does.

Anonymous said...

aww! *hugs* i'm sorry to hear about your grandmother and hope that you can get some relief by spending time with her. i understand why the doctors dont want to operate due to her age, but you can always get a second opinion.