Saturday, November 10, 2007

You might be a conscious,black bohemian or hippie if?

Sorry it took so long, I wrote this post some time in September or early October.

Please read Amedo's post on the different classes of black/African-Americans. His post will help you understand and get the humor of this post.

This is for shits and giggles yall.

1. You are a black woman with natural/naputral hair and you absolutely refuse to use a chemical hair straightener or flaming tool of torture(blowdryer,curlers, hot comb etc.) on your hair.

2. Whenever you see a sister with a head full of weave you simply shake your head and say under your breath "that's a lost sister right there".

3. Speaking of weaves, you don't find anything appealing about Beyonce although, you think the original Beyonce, Tina Turner is a legend.

4. You have free form locks(dread locks) and talk shit about those who wear sisterlocks or weaved in dread locks.

5. You love and will STAN for the following artists:Jill Scott,India Irie, Lauryn Hill and Erykah Badu

6. You felt let down when you recently saw Jill Scott rocking a straight weave.

7. You will cut a bitch for tickets to a Erykah Badu show. Furthermore, Erykah Badu is to black Bohemians and hippies what the Grateful Dead is to older white hippies.

8. You know what Tofu is and you eat it on a regular basis.

9. You will never allow cow's milk to touch your lips again. Its soy, almond and/ or rice milk for you.

10. You don't shop at Whole Foods often because you see it as a heath food store for the masses, you are iffy on Tradder Joes. Instead you prefer small mom and pop type of health food stores.

11. You practice yoga and hate that its become so commercial, sort of what Starbucks did to coffee.

12. You practice Tantric sex and the Kalma sutra. Therefore you are able to turn men out worse than Miss Badu. Unlike, Shaneka who can turn men out because of her mean dick suc%king skills.

13.You don't see yourself as a freak, instead you see your sexuality as a extention of your spirituality.

14. You don't see yourself as religious, instead you call yourself spiritual.

15. Or if you are religious, you practice a traditional African religion such as Akan, Yoruba, Santeria or Eastern religion(Buddhism or Hinduism).

16. Unlike black folks who travel to the Caribbean when they have a few extra dollars or African-Americans who travel to Europe, you travel to Africa. More than likely you have been to Senegal, Ghana and South Africa. One day you may also travel to India.

17. You wear African clothers often and sport then harder than continental Africans.

18. You say you smoke weed for "spiritual" reasons. Mofo you like to get high, stop lying to your self.

19. You burn incense all day everyday. Even during the periods wear you are not "getting spiritual".

20. You smell like Patoucli or Frankincense and Mirth. If you don't smell like the before mentioned oils you definitely smell like some type of oil because you don't wear perfumes as you believe that they are harmful to the skin.

21. You prefer to use natural preservative free products on your skin. That means no mineral oil, lanolin or perbeans for you. You are pissed at Jada, Jay z and them for changing Carol's daughter.

22.You home school your child, or if they do attend a traditional school, its African based.

23. You are currently learning or are fluent in an African language. Most likely Wolof, Swahili or Yoruba. African-American/bougie folks learn French, Spanish, Japanese or Mandarin.

24. You can speak standard English when you are with one crowd and Ebonics when you with another. I think all black people should be able to do this.

25. You are very open to practicing or living in a lifestyle that is outside of the
American norm (ex. polygamy).

26. You are super liberal politically. You believe that what adults do behind closed doors is their business, but you want rich people to pay more taxes. Somewhere on your list of changes you would like to see Americans one day have universal health care, limited work hours and mandatory 8 weeks vacation.

27. Although you are super liberal, you don't vote. In fact you refuse to participate in the voting process because you believe that elections are decided by the rich.

28. You got to poetry slams regularly in the same way that other people go to the movies.

29. You are a bohemian player but you go about it in a different way. Unlike the Ghetto boy who pull women with his car and pocket full of money(while living in his mamma's basement) or the African-American man who gets women with his tittle, degree or pedigree, you get women with the words Nubian sister, beautiful African Queen, African goddess etc... When you include those words in your poems, you know you are going to get some of that good stuff from oneof the head wrapped sisters in the audience tonight.

30. You know what the letters NOI stand for.

31. Your major in college is/was a liberal arts major, most notably Social Work, African History, African-American History, Phsicology or Sociology.

32. If you are not married to someone who is African-American, you are married to a white person who is more progressive in race relations than most people of color.

33. You know who Yukub is.

34. You know who the Five Percenters are and understand their system/belief of Divine mathematics.

35. You know where to get the best tasting bean pies in your city.

36. Unlike black folks who have pictures of Martin Luther King and former President Kennedy in their living rooms, you have 2 or 3 pictures or posters of the following people in your living room: Malcolm X, Ellijah Muhammad, Marcus Garvey, Dali Lama and or Gandhi.

37. Because of your healthy diet it is very unlikely that you are overweight or obese, and you have family members teasing you for eating rabbit food.

38. You shop at thrift shops, because you believe that going broke to support millionaire fashion designers is BS(I agree), and you think you shoping at thrift stores allow you to purchase clothing know one else has. No, most of the time you re getting shit that everyone has thrown away

39. You know who Queen Afua and Dr. Laila O Africa are.

40. You are a vegetarian or vegan ans shun eating of flesh. At the very least you don't eat pork.

41. When you are ill instead of taking pills and calling a doctor, you reach for your herbs and call a natural health practioner. You don't trust the healthcare industry.


Anonymous said...

This list is too long to be funny. A good 10 or maybe 20 would have been enough for a couple of laughs. This is basically a disjointed essay/litany of complaints.

Lola Gets said...

Dang anon. Well, I THOUGHT it was funny! And I know/do/agree with a whooole lotta dem, lol.

Coffey0072 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Coffey0072 said...

Hm, while I reject virtually everything on that list as blanket generalizations about all "naturally coiffed" women, as a woman who happens to wear her hair natural and just happens to be a fan of India A. and Jill and uses Carol's Daughter products and burns incense sticks (as well as scented candles and oils)... I traveled abroad to EUROPE and Sicily (bit am not opposed to visiting parts of Africa, including North Africa), I don't use recreational drugs or engage in polyamorous relations.
So I agree with Anon...
Overall, I still find it amusing in a presumptuous sort of way. And it's Frankincense and Myrrh, not mirth. ;-)

Muze said...

this is funny. and i do/know/agree with a whole lot of them. but like coffey, i think they are just generalizations. there are many different dimensions to people.

Trouble said...

Funny I was thinking the same thing as Coffey, that its Myrhh. I rock locks now, but I've had a weave. I eat everything including pork and tofu. I travel to the Caribbean cause thats where my family is from but I'm on my way to Italy. Love Tina, can't stand Beyonce. Think Carole's Daughter has always been pretty crappy - shame though. And I dont Stan for nobody but me (by the by I'm pretty sure that Badu's locks were not her own) And I looove Saks Fifth Avenue, if its vintage, its designer vintage thank you

Dee Dee Russell said...

Well written and very funny.

cy said...

lmao! peace/health/radiance



TheBohemianMuslimah said...

Seventy-Five Percent Of The List Applies To Me Lol.

Kahlil said...

Funny s#it! P.E.A.C.E.

Gonzo Nation said...

I'm so 80% of this

Reginald Friday said...

it was hilarious. Yes! Yacub the white mad scientist! hey, I remember that guy! Is he still around?

Reginald Friday said...

Whoops my bad, Yacub was a BLACK mad scientist. I forgot. Sorry, NOI