Monday, October 30, 2006

The Home Visit 2( Mr. Marcus -not)

Baba kekere has made himself a regular part of my life now. He comes to get me from work and has offered to take me to work on many occasions. I allow him to pick up from work but I refuse his offers to take me to work since I like to use that time to gather my thoughts and people watch.
Well, after Baba Kekere asked me on many occasions if he could see my apartment I decided that I would let him to see it. Of course he wanted to stay the night after I gave him a small tour. When I told him that I would prefer if he went home he then proceeded to tell me how tired he was and how he did not think he would make it home in one piece. I relented and allowed to him stay the night.
Wow, silly me, he proceeded to butter me up by telling me that he loves me a thousand times. I hope he does not think that I am stupid enough to fall for that shit. I think I have mentioned before how Naija men in Baltimore are famous for telling a woman soon after meeting, how much "they love them". African-American men DON'T do this( yes I know i am generalizing).This guy told me I love you so much that I wanted to tell him to shut his mouth before I stuff it with alligator pepper. Besides the I love you stuff, Small Daddy is hella hyper. I find it hard to believe that he is older than me. I know that he likes to take kola nut, but I would not be surprised if he has taken a hit off of a crack pipe. NO 30 YEAR OLD MAN SHOULD BE THAT DAM HYPER.
Anyway, after I agreed to allow him to stay he preceded to take off all of his clothes but his boxers and his tank top. He started to complain about his back hurting and asked me to apply a heat wrap to his back. Maaan when he pulled that shirt up I was assaulted again by his hairy chest. I HAVE NEVER SEEN OR KNOWN A MAN TO HAVE DO MUCH HAIR ON HIS CHEST. No lie oooh, it look he had stapled a carpet down to his chest(or maybe he is related to bigfoot). That ish looks worse than anything I could imagine. I had to tell small daddy that he could not take his shirt off until he shaved his chest.
So, after I applied the heat wrap to his back I turned on the TV so that I could watch a Nigerian movie. Within 20 minutes of starting the movie I feel something hard in the small of my back. I told Small Daddy that I refuse to play that game with him tonight. I told him that he would not be touching my oboo(pu#$y) before I allowed him to enter my apartment. He moved over for about 2 minutes and then he was on me once again. At this point I decided to remind him of his religion and how it is important that he adhere to its rule on sex before marriage. That worked for about a good 15 minutes, and once again I felt something in my back. At this point I guess Small Daddy was at his limit because he started to beg, YES BEG for a sample.
Having sex with him was out of the question. I had no desire to sleep with him at all. Men are so weird/weak when it comes to sex. I refuse to beg any man for sex. Small Daddy had no problem though, he said " I beg you, I will do anything, please".
His begging went on for about 15 minutes. He asked me to use my hand if I did not want to give him the real thing. I thought about it for a few minutes, and decided to use my hand.
So Small daddy finally pulled off his shorts-ONLY. You know I was not playing about that undershirt. Oh my goodness, what did I see when he pulled of his shorts, a micro penis. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP, his thing was soooooo small. It was so small that when I went to j@#k him off it keep slipping out of my hand. Now if you can remember I think I mentioned that there is a two handed move that I have when j#$king a man off than can make him scream like a baby. Well, Small daddy was to tiny for me to even do that. Ladies take your hand and make it into a fist with your thumb facing upwards, now you have the length of small daddy's manhood.
I felt like someone had played a practical joke on me. How could a grown man have a penis so small. I mean his balls stuck out further than his di%k did(NO LIE). I guess he must have seen the disappointment of my face or maybe women in his past had insulted him because of his "micro peny", since he proceed to repeat many times that "it is small but I can work it". I got over my initial shock and proceeded to rock his world. All 31/2 inches of it. Small Daddy started to scream and twist and turn which did not help me at all because now I was losing my grip. Then it got so good for him that he wanted to sit up and watch me work my magic. When he sat up it was as if it was going to disappear because then I could only use two fingers to stimulate him. I had to push him back down flat in the bed so that I could finish. Finally, he reached his peak because he started to really twist and scream and he let out a hell of a load. He let off so much stuff that I'm sure he lost a pants size and ten pounds. It took him a few minutes to catch his breath because he was breathing so hard. I jumped up to wash my hands because I find that stuff nasty, which is why I don't think I can ever let a man sleep with me without a condom.
So after finishing with his small parts, I tried to finish the movie and go to sleep. Throughout the night while I tried to sleep but Small Daddy woke me up with either his snoring or his shouting in Yourba on his cell phone (in a dialect that I could not understand, I think it was ekite). Since I got no sleep during the night, when he left early in the morning all I could do was take a short nap before I had to go to work.


Naijadude said...

Mehn! that was hella funny! I bet the stereotype about African men does not apply to him! Too bad!

Your font seems to small eh!!

inspirationTouched said...

OMG!!! You are soo f'ing hilarious!!!!! That is the funniest blog I have read in a while!!

Black Girl Interrupted said...

This post is hilarious! I'm so mad that baba kekere came up short, haha. I would have been so mad that I stayed up all night with the hairy "micro peny" as you called him. ROFL!

Coffey said...

His penis- (because anything that slips out of a woman's HAND whilst erect does NOT qualify as a DICK)- kept slipping out of your hand??
Rid yourself of him tout de suite! The hairy body is bad enough, but you have to draw the line somewhere. >:-( The old Herpes flare-up excuse works everytime.

Anonymous said...

His balls stuck out further than his d*ck did?! WTF?!?!? Is that possible?!?!

Oh well, chalk it up as a bad experience and next time don't fall for the ole my back hurt excuse!

imoted said...

LOL @ "it is small but I can work it". I think it would have been better if he kept his mouth shut!!I don't know how u work "a pinky with a glove on it"..LOL... Damn.... Thanks for stopping by my page.

BluJewel said...

Thanks for the recent stop by. It's nice to get new readers and I hope you enjoyed your visit.

This post was effin hysterical. I think most of us have had a crazy experience and it sucks at the time, but it's fun to look back on and laugh.

From this point, he'd be on the curb waiting for the trash man. I know it's crass, but size DOES matter.

NaijaBloke said...

OMG!!! this is sure hilarious .. where do u meet ur men sef ..

Have a nice week

Anonymous said...

little dick, little dick! Whoooa! Sad but true, there are too many little dick men in this world. I saw one last year, he was soo cute, a little fat for my taste, that should have been a clue that I should not have fucked him.

Well,once he dropped his pants, his dick was soo small he could have pissed on his own balls! I'm a size queen, if he ain't got any size to his dick, I'm oout and out eal quick! No seconds.

Tired of being broke said...

Girl you done hit the jackpot. You got yourself a hairy chested, micro peny hyper 30 year old man, LMAOOOOO

Anonymous said...

That was funny..bravo! But this guy sounds like a real bush meat and a razz guy. Fo' reals. Get with a classy guy and stop fooling around these bottom feeders!
Great story

get a lawn mower for this guys chest!

Anonymous said...

lmao.. this was just toooo jokes.. girl ur not serious @ all.. lol... awww.. poor him with his micro penis... i can imagine how hard it is with him and girls cos i dont know many girls that will stick wit him after seeing that...

lmao... hope he sent u flowers the next day sha cos u tried sha.. lol

Single Ma said...


No words...

I thought shyt like this only happened to me. LMAO!!!!!!!!!

abRock said...

as a fellow naija man in B-more, I feel bad for dude... Damn girl you put him out there !!!

You need to stop messing around with the cabdrivers down the

good read.. my first time posting

afro jamaicano said...

damn u put him all the way out there!! im def feeling these posts that u do, i feel so sorry for that dude, u two still hang out?

Anonymous said...

damn i'm ekiti oh...i hope i dont meet any micropenised ekiti men for the balls longer than the dick syndrome...i've seen it with my own two koro koro eyes..mehn the shit gives me nightmares and the owner of the sturves has refused to cover up...shame no dey catch you?

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